Recovery vs Real recovery

How many times have you heard someone claiming to be in recovery yet deep down you can tell that they are still in the midst of a mental health crisis?

As someone who has been struggling with mental illness for over 4 years, I know that there where so many times where I tried to convince people that I was in recovery but in all honesty, I was just about surviving.

A key time that sticks out for me was that when in the depths of my anorexia battle, I convinced so many people that once I started eating again that this was me in “recovery” but what many people didn’t know was that I was only eating because I didn’t want to have to continue to have nutrition forced upon me against my will.

When thinking of writing this post so many ideas where going through my head and if I am honest, I found it hard to come up with a clear definition of what recovery actually is.

Is it forcing yourself to change but not truly wanting the change to happen, is it an act you show to everyone to make them stop worrying about you or is it pretending to be ok on the outside yet inside your crumbling? No, it’s definitely not !!

I decided to turn to google to find a definition of recovery the first definition that I saw was “a return to a normal state of health, mind or strength.” This definition is not completely accurate. What is normal? Does this mean that society see recovery as going back to how you where prior to being faced with a challenging period of time? Personally, I feel that for me recovery is more about getting to a stage where you feel happy and content within yourself and this often is very different to the way you were previously as I I'm a firm believer that our struggles truly craft our strengths.

When searching for a definition of real recovery I found that “real recovery” is defined by “the growth, change and development that occurs from within to transform hope into healing.” This is more realistic and something that I feel everyone should hear when being guided into recovery.

I often get asked how long I have been in recovery for and if I am honest, I would have to say I'm still at the start of my long recovery journey as it has only been recently that I have been able to realise what real recovery is and push myself to taking the steps needed to change my life for the better.

I think at times recovery is thought to be an easy and fast process but honestly when in recovery you will realise that it is a long and bumpy journey, and each step is very gradual. We expect that by taking the first step it'll be easier from there and I wish I could sit here and tell you that it is, but I could honestly say our expectations of recovery are very different from reality.

When I first attempted recovery, I really didn't know the extent of it and did not realise what was to come. I went through a period of time where each day I would wake up and say “today is the day I am going to begin to recover” but in reality, it was something that I didn't truly understand and was not ready to fully commit to.

I then found myself following “recovery” accounts on Instagram and went through times where I was comparing myself to them but not in a good way and many times this led to me convincing myself then I was cured or that there never really was an issue because I felt invalidated by the toxic recovery community online.

I feel that my recovery journey is very different for my anorexia and my emotionally unstable personality disorder and although they often overlap there are still times when something which is helpful for one is detrimental for the other. I now I realise that it is the balance that is the most important part. So, for me eating out may help with overcoming rules set by my anorexia yet the anxiety this causes may result in me self-harming or even attempting to end my life.

Recovery is similar to diagnostic criteria in the sense that the recovery from an illness is not a one size fits all approach. Similarly, the length of time recovery takes is different for everyone.

When beginning my recovery journey, I heard the phrase “stop surviving, start fighting” and I then read a book about this. I then realised that recovery is a similar idea as we need to stop “recovery” and start “real recovery”.

For me I find that what stopped me from succeeding at recovery previously was that I focused too much on the past and didn't take time to work out or discover what I wanted in life and make a plan as to how to make the change happen. Yes, deep down I wanted things to change but I was also scared because I no longer know who I was without my mental illness. My illness became my identity. I believed that no one would like the real/new me and continuously convinced myself that the world would be so much better without me in it.

I didn't realise that one day my story could actually inspire others or that I could use my lived experience to help change people’s lives for the better and show them that hope is real, and recovery is possible.

I felt like a lost cause and after being told that I would be a revolving door patient on the psych ward I believed it and never saw anything ever changing. But little did I know that I was wrong soon I wouldn't be celebrating being one day out of hospital but instead I would be celebrating being seven months out of hospital. This was not an overnight fix, and it wasn't until I worked out what I wanted to achieve in life I'm hard to go about making these dreams a reality that my real recovery journey started, and this really was only the over the last few months.

Yes, it is not easy but for me going out with friends, enjoying meals out, not having to cover up, not being watched continuously is so much more appealing than being stuck in a cycle of self-destruct, locked in the psych ward, not eating, continuously self-harming, and writing suicide notes.

Yes, I may have missed out on most of my teenage years but one thing I never do is regret that as without all the hurdles and hard times that I have faced I would not be who I am today, and those tears of pain and suffering would not have been able to change to being tears of pure happiness.

So, whilst yes often I am tempted to go back to my old ways, I now know that this is part of my journey and that the temptation is okay as it's finding the strength to not give in that really matters.

I guess what the key message that I have aimed to share through this post is that recovery is possible for everyone, but I want to remind you that nobody's no two people's journey are ever the same so, we cannot compare our progress with the progress of others.

My top 10 tips

1. Don't rush – yes this may sound weird but don't rush into starting recovery as it will only be successful if you're ready to commit and make the change happen.

2. Write a list of what you want in life or how you would want to be remembered and then work out what small steps you can take to make that happen.

3. Do a social media clear out – if in the midst of your illness you turned to the “recovery” community get rid of anyone who's triggering you or holding you back from recovering.

4. Keep a journal – for me documenting my journey has had a significant impact on my recovery I said is show me how far I have come, and it also reminds me that there is still a long way to go but that by taking small steps each day, I will get there.

5. Take all the help and support you can – I wish that I had taken onboard therapy and advice sooner but it is what it is so I now want to help others to seek the help and support they need to promote their own recovery as things can always get better.

6. Do not compare your journey to other peoples – just because someone has recovered faster than you doesn't make them a better or stronger person

7. Educate yourself – for me finding out what real recovery actually is really helped me to take the next step. Why not attend a course at your local recovery college to learn more about living with a mental illness.

8. Prioritise yourself – in society we so often find ourselves focusing more on the health and wellbeing of others, yet we don't realise that in order to help others we have to help ourselves first

9. Self-care is not a luxury – yes self-care is not a magical cure but by taking care of your mind and body you will become stronger.

10. Don't give up – remember it's OK to be faced with hurdles along the way but it's how we get past them that matters so we need to keep fighting no matter how hard things get or how appealing relapse seems as your illness was never your friend and never will be.

Keep fighting everyone and remember your worst days in recovery are so much better than the best days in relapse

Love

Hope, Discovery, and Me xx