Getting back to education --- Practice makes progress not perfection !!

Has the thought of returning to school, college or university caused you to feel uneasy?

I know that in the past this has been an issue for me.

I have always loved learning and really enjoyed school however when education became competitive and a means of social comparison this changed things for me completely.

Throughout primary school I was the most carefree child and never let anything or anyone get in my way. As long as I knew that I tried my best I was happy and during this time getting top marks was not a concern of mine.

I got up, put my uniform on, went to school, spent time with my friends, came home, did my homework, chilled out and went to bed. How I looked wasn’t important, what I ate wasn’t important and how my grades where in comparison to my classmates was not important.

I did well, got the marks I needed and got a place in my first choice of grammar school.

I was so excited and could not wait to see what the future had planned for me.

When starting my new school, I was not at all worried, I arrived early and simply could not wait to start my new adventure.

I loved it and had so many happy times there. Yes, I found it hard to build up good friendships but that never stopped me. I pushed through, got good marks, tried my best, joined extra-curricular clubs such as hockey and drama and all in all I felt pretty happy and content.

Little did I know that following so many good times and happy memories I would be faced with the biggest and toughest challenges of my life. That once carefree, happy, and confident girl would turn into being so withdrawn, scared and all in all just a shadow of herself.

The further I got into school the more pressure I put on myself. With those around me constantly talking about getting top marks yet claiming not to have revised, I began to feel as though I wasn’t good enough.

How could people get the “perfect” marks when they didn’t even revise yet I put endless amounts of work into each and every subject and didn’t seem to be getting the same “perfect” marks.

Don’t get me wrong I always did well and tried my best.

The further through school I got the more stressed I became. From being someone who was satisfied with any mark as long as they knew that they tried their best, to only being happy with 90% or over and these expectations of myself just continued to get higher as time went on.

How did I go from being happy with 70% to crying and beating myself up for getting 93% in home economics when I wanted 95% or over?

Still to this day I cannot work out what caused this change in me. However, I do believe that the competitiveness and comments of others played a big part in this. I believed that if I didn’t fit in then maybe if I got top marks then people would like me more.

As time went on my perfectionism and expectations rapidly increased and the pressure, I put on myself really began to have an impact on both my physical and mental well-being.

In the summer of 4th year (2017) I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa just two weeks before I was due back to school. During my first appointment I was so uncertain of what was going on and the main thought going through my mind was will I be able to go to school next week? I was so scared to even ask as I knew that if it was a no then I would just crumble. At the end of my appointment mum asked the burning question and when I was faced with the answer that I could not return to school at present and had to be more or less confined to my bed only being allowed up to go to the bathroom and to have my meals. I crumbled, it felt like everything I had worked so hard for had just been taken away from me in the blink of an eye.

As time went on, I returned to school with the support of everyone around me. I felt so loved, but… it just didn’t feel the same. I was continuously beating myself up and feeling completely and utterly worthless. I tried my best but with my GCSEs looming my anxiety and perfectionism rapidly increased.

I loved school but I no longer felt like myself, it was like as though the minute I put my uniform on I put a mask on along with it as I didn’t want anyone in school to see how much I was crumbling as I wanted them to just continue to see me as the perfect young girl I so wanted to be.

My school could not have been more supportive and were up for doing anything they possibly could to support me and make things a little easier for me and I can quite honestly say that I wouldn’t be here today without the endless amount of help and support from each and every staff member.

When faced with the decision of being admitted to the psych ward I was so upset that I would not be having my first day of sixth form with my friends but in all honesty although it made me, so I just wasn’t even strong enough to even think about it.

Through as the tough times I knew that by continuing to fight I would soon be back to school. After a long 6 months I made that step in my very long journey and returned to school. I was so excited but also extremely anxious. Being back was great but it just didn’t feel the same. I didn’t know who I was or what I truly wanted to achieve as my thinking was so cloud and irrational. I tried my best to keep going but after ending up back in the psych ward I decided to put my education on hold and return to sixth form at the beginning of the next school year. This was not what I wanted and certainly not what I had planned, I felt like such a failure…

As time went on and September came around, I got myself ready for returning to school. I was excited, determined and in all honesty I was terrified. I pushed through and got back into school, things didn’t feel the same, I couldn’t concentrate, felt like I had lost my connection with my friends and all in all didn’t feel ready. After weeks of blood, sweat and tears and many breakdowns and sleepless nights I had to make the toughest decision to leave school. I was distraught this place was once a getaway from reality and the bond I had with many people there was so lovely. I was so heartbroken that I was going to have to say goodbye.

As the next few weeks went on, I went into school to say my final goodbyes, I felt numb, I felt disappointed and all in all I felt broken.

I said my goodbyes and had so many lovely chats with my teachers. I was so thankful and grateful to have been able to spend 6 years in such an amazing school and yes, the ending was not what I had planned but I knew deep down that this was the step I so needed to take.

I got myself aa parttime job and tried to stick at is as it kept me busy and was a good distraction from everything going in my head. After many nights off, many hospital admissions and a long period of sick leave I made the decision to leave.

How did I go from being someone who never quit or let anything beat her to leaving both school and work?

Going through services and my own lived experiences I knew that I wanted to be able to help others. So last September I began to study health and social care at college. If I am honest, I felt as though it was a step back from school as that is what many pupils in my school led us to believe. But from my first day I realised I loved it, the atmosphere was brilliant, and I really felt like I fitted in. yes along the way there have been many breakdowns and many hurdles but the determination and motivation I once had is slowly but surely coming back and being back in education has given me something to fight for and during all the tough times it gives me a focus and something to keep going for.

Yes, this was not the education path I had planned but it has been great, and I just love it. Health and social care is so interesting and it’s good that I can put my own experience in perspective and use them to help me with my learning.

So, if you are heading back to education over the next few weeks, I want to remind you of a phrase my teacher once used “practice makes progress not perfection as we can never be perfect” this made me realise that I needed to try my best to do well but not aim to be perfect as that is never possible.

Here are my top 10 tips:

1. Try your best – your best is always good enough

2. Be you and be proud of you – we all are individual and have our own strengths and weaknesses, so try not to compare your success with the success of others

3. Speak up when you need extra help and support – never feel embarrassed to ask for help as even by asking you are showing your true strength

4. Be yourself – If people don’t love you for who you are then they are not worth your time

5. Everything happens for a reason – so if a hurdle arises then use it as a learning curve

6. The best laid plans of mice and men don’t always go to plan – if things don’t work out as planned use it as a learning experience rather than as a setback

7. Believe to achieve – in order to achieve your goals, you have to believe that you are capable of doing so

8. Rome wasn’t built in a day – if you don’t get something done today remember tomorrow is a new day

9. Life is a journey not a destination – use each and every step forward or backwards to shape your story as every journey takes time

10. Enjoy yourself – don’t work too much remember having fun is just as important so try and find a balance

I hope everyone keeps well and enjoys being back in education not only to learn but also to have fun with friends and meet new people.

Remember having a few true friends is so much better that having a lot of fake friends

Stay safe and trust your journey

Love,

Hope, Discovery, and Me xx